This might not be the best time to write this. It’s late. I had a rough day at work. Crystal is unwell. I’m not–how shall we say this?–in my happy place right now. But maybe that’s fine. Maybe that’s where I need to be to write this.
For years, I’ve tried to maintain a “unified Internet presence.” What this means is simple: no dividing up of my life. I’m not writing about gaming over here and Christianity over there and weird ideas in that corner. You get the whole package, and you can pick through what’s interesting to you and what isn’t.
This has been important to me. I like the idea that my blog and social media presence could be a place where different kinds of people meet and interact. That maybe people would discover something new they didn’t know before. That maybe there would be more love and understanding and joy and wonder in the world as a result.
Has that worked? Hell if I know. I certainly hope so. But there was something else that was important to me about my “unified Internet presence”.
It meant that I was honest online. It meant that I could be free to be who I am and to share what is important to me and to be unafraid to set it in front of the world.
I used to be brave.
A few days ago, I encouraged one of my coworkers to take up blogging as a way of practicing her writing. I suggested that she should write once a week, simply to be in the habit of writing. And then I made my fateful offer.
I told her that I’d do the same thing. Write once a week, simply to be in the habit of writing.
And this scares me. This scares me a lot.
I’m not scared of failing. Once a week to write is pretty tame, and I don’t have any self-esteem or self-worth riding on completing my post for the week.
No, it’s that I know that, if I’m going to keep up the pace, I’m going to need to be honest online again. And I’m not persuaded that I’ll be safe if I do that. I fear that some of you will be offended or won’t like what I have to say, and that somehow this will come back to haunt me. That I’ll end up in some online fight or have these words used against me somehow.
But I’m also tired of hiding.
Damn. Stuck again.
And now I’m staring at the “Publish” button, wondering if I should push it. If you’re seeing this post, apparently I did.