(I gotta type quickly, so here goes! No edits! Whee!)
So, last night, I posted this on Twitter:
Life used to make a lot more sense. I’m not saying that life used to be better. But it used to make more sense.
I’m not sure I totally communicated what I meant, so I’m taking a little more space here to express it. (But quickly!) Here goes.
I used to have a fairly clear vision of what my life was about. I knew where I was going, what I was doing, and how I fit into the world. Nothing was really out of place, at least in my head. I knew the system, had the necessary answers, or knew how to produce them. Everything was part of the plan, as the Joker might say.
That’s not really true anymore. The future is suddenly cloudy. The world has grown more challenging and mysterious, and my place in it is less clear to me.
I should be clear. I’m persuaded that this is generally a good thing. I think that the “plan” blinded me to the reality that I didn’t know what was going on then, either. I think that the system deceived me into thinking that I had mastered life, when life is simply not a thing to be mastered.
At this point, I’m supposed to say that I’m excited for the future. But I’m not. I wasn’t depressed last night or anything, but I’ll totally cop to being very tired. I can see myself becoming excited at some point, but it hasn’t happened yet.
But that’s okay. It doesn’t all have to fit together right now. I don’t have to always feel upbeat. I don’t have to be in charge or know what’s coming next. Because I do know that my loving Father has it all under control, and He’s taking me somewhere good. My life makes sense to Him, and that’s actually what matters. So, for now, I’ll simply work on living out my life as if I believe Him. He’ll take care of the rest.